Diet and Health FAQ

Tagged As: Diet Pill Review

Question:
This is more a question on the ED itself than recovery... but I'm asking it because sometimes I feel like the only one who does things a certain way, like everyone else who has an ED is different from ME (even though no two people are exactly the same, anyway.) Okay... So here is the cycle that I go through... I've been taking ephedrine-free diet pills for a period of time (a week or two). I do this because when I don't take them I binge and purge somehow. The b/p gets so annoying, and I'm not one of those people who can purge easily... sometimes it takes 8 glasses of water... and I feel very sick, and I get tired of putting up with it all. When I take the diet pills I eat less than I should, but it is a lot less annoying and draining than bingeing and purging. Bingeing and purging is this whole annoying process. It also means I have to rinse my face compulsively after I b/p, re-apply all of the makeup, get rid of all of my panicky feelings, wear an oversized sweatshirt/coat in case i've *gained* weight etc. When I'm in the cycle of b/p'ing there is no second of the day that I feel comfortable and in control. I'm always *hiding*-- always in a coat, panicky when looking in a full length mirror, etc. And then all I think about is b/p. What is easy to b/p. When can I b/p. What would I *love* to binge on. etc. An emotional panic/ denial of my feelings is what usually sends me bingeing, but instead of fixing the problem it just leaves me drained and even more panicky. Because of all this, I try to avoid b/p like it's the plague. I know that diet pills are bad, but anything to avoid b/p. I don't feel that I am ready to avoid it the healthy way (e.g. by eating right/enough and changing the way i view food). For the past few weeks I have not really b/p'ed. Last Friday I ate a little extra than I wanted to one day, purged a tiny bit, stopped myself, and then took some laxatives. Yesterday, I took a diet pill in the morning, but was hungrier later in the day, so I ate a little more ice cream than I would have liked to. It started with the fat-free mocha fudge frozen yogurt... I hadn't eaten anything that rich/sweet or enjoyable for over a week... so I started to panic even when I just had a scoop of it... then kept eating... figured I already screwed up and moved on to the regular full fat ice cream... kept eating... went upstairs to purge... purged a tiny bit but nothing substantial... took 3 ex lax and a diet pill... more ice cream.... pringles... then 2 or 3 more ex lax. Later in the evening, my mom searched my room when I wasn't there, and took away my lax and diet pills. I panicked, cried, screamed, etc. I felt as if all of my control had just been taken away and all hell had broken lose. I decided to just have a small salad for dinner to make up for my mistake. Then the panic returned so I binged, but was soooo scared (having been dependant on the diet pills and lax for control) that I ran to the bathroom, purged only 2 pieces of lettuce or something (sorry for being graphic), then just stared at it and cried non-stop... wanting to purge more but in such panic that i couldn't make myself... i stayed up until 3 AM thinking, crying, panicking, being anxious that i would screw up my life and seem out of control the next day, etc. a lot of the kids at the school i go to smoke. i don't smoke, don't drink, etc... and have never imagined myself smoking, but this morning, i told my mom, if you don't return my diet pills, then i will start smoking like the others. you know, you're not helping anything... you're just pushing me into another 'addiction' I didn't smoke today, but I have a feeling if she had not returned the pills at all, I would have taken on smoking just to spite her. (yes, i know i would really just be harming myself, but this ed thing has kind of made me care less about what i do to myself..) today, after i got back from this school-type place, i was hysterical. i am used to taking the diet pills when i return from there, but today there were no diet pills. i binged, tried to purge for a few seconds, couldn't make myself, then gave up. i demanded that my mom return the diet pills. she didn't. i binged some more and then cried. i shrieked and cried at the same time screaming things like Oh God, where are you? Are you out there? Why aren't you here? Why am I not here? What have I done to myself? Why am I losing myself? I wrapped myself in my blanket and continued to moan. I was an absolute MESS. i felt like my life was going to break to pieces if i kept eating, that i had no energy or drive to purge and feel in control (fake control, i know.)... i wanted to break something of my mother's because i felt that the diet pills had created this sense of control in me that was more sturdy than anything i had held onto for MONTHS... and she broke that control. i took a porcelain vase from her room and smashed it against the floor. i smashed her plastic alarm clock/radio against the floor too. i was a wreck. i ran downstairs and smashed a cup against the kitchen floor. i have a feeling i would have broken the whole house to pieces (or taken a bottle of asparin) had she not eventually given in and returned the diet pills. i know that my actions were totally bratty, inconsiderate, insensitive, etc. I don't usually break things, scream, try to spite people, etc, but when it comes to the ED (when I feel someone is snatching my control from me), that's a different story. i did this all because i was scared, desperate, and thought that i would lose all of my worth unless i had my diet pils back. i know that she meant well and wanted to keep me safe, and that was why she took them, but i feel like i've been so much on edge that when someone tries to get rid of the behaviors, i only panic and think of clinging to any unhealthy behavior (e.g. smoking). i have a few questions. do you think that taking the diet pills was the appropriate thing for my mother to do, and was returning them wrong?(at least in the short term). also, sometimes i feel like i am a failed bulimic. because there are sometimes when i take laxatives instead of purging or hardly purge anything at all. and because my purging works in cycles... it's like this creature that's always a few steps behind me, and when i have to much free time and insecurity, it just jumps on me and takes me over. a lot of times when i binge, i cry more than i purge. the less sad i am, the more i purge and the less i binge. does any of this make sense? can anyone relate? sometimes i feel as if i have some made up julia disorder that there is no way of recovering from... Can someone give me advice on diet pill review?

Answer:
Just want you to know that I *hear* your pain, and your experiences are by no means unique...this disorder in diet pill review is hurting you, but it is certainly not *you*.